The Deal

It's the country and they look at you funny if you've only got a dog, so I decide to increase the managerie and get a rabbit. I do some research (visit a petting zoo, cruise trade me, google) and settle on the biggest, toughest, manliest, most kick arse rabbit on the market - that'll teach the bumpkins to laugh at us city slickers - a flemish giant. i can only find ones coloured 'Fawn'. They look like huge apricots and i feel that'll undermine my key messaging some what, also it's too easy, any one can have a fawn flemish giant. What you really want, to make a impact, is a black or a blue one. (Between you and me I think my subconcious is making this rabbit thing difficult in order to delay the process - I like the idea of it but the practicals may be a different story and I'm nervous, a naughty untrained rascal of a dog roaming the neighbourhood is one thing but a naughty untrained rascal of a rabbit...?)

I ring the petting zoo. No, impossible, hard to find, fawn perhaps but not black. i ask around on the trade me message boards. Someone knows a lady who might have a white one. The petting zoo tell me to call the bird sanctuary. I call. the lady there says that Fiona M*** has some over in Waipawa. I look up Fiona M*** in the whitepages. There's only a Von M***. I call her and ask.

Von says sure she has some, I hold my breath and ask what colour (side note: it's very difficult to hold ones breath and ask a pointed question at the same time). Black ones and blue ones she says.

I go over to Waipawa with Bax. Von and husband Don are just leaving "To pick up a calf in Takapau - be back in an hour - have a look around - Shellys inside" it's like we're old mates.

Bax and I wondered about the yard. It's like a more real version of Hogget Farm in the film Babe. We're escorted by an old black lab who flops down at our feet everytime we stop to pear into another cage or hutch.

There are about 15 hutches, some with rabbits, others with chickens of various shapes and sizes. One big coop has pheasant inside. Around the back of a shed we find 11 boistrous lambs. There are about 10 alpacas up on the hill. A black sheep with very new triplets grazes near by.

it's astounding and wonderful and I can feel myself getting more countryified by the minute.

We don't wait the full hour and only meet Shelly on our way out. "I'm off to work" she toodleoos as we drive out.

I go back alone once the kids are in bed at noon.

Von and Don are herding the black sheep and her three lambs into a pen (of sorts). "Silly bitch is favouring only one" they holler by way of a greeting when they see me. "Use your tit ya daft slapper" they whisper at the sheep. Between grunts and yelps from the two of them as they try to get the lambs to feed they explain about how sheep take sides in the quarrels of their offspring, they tell me they have 80 of these black sheep, they sell the wool for spinning.

I quickly ask about rabbits incase they want me out of the way while they work. They ignore my question. Don goes down to the road to get someone called Coco. Von hurumphs.

I say "About the rabbits...". Von grabs my arm and tells me she'd love me to meet George "Tell me what you think..." She hauls me towards another paddock and in a cooey voice "Boy George". A fluffy brown baby alpaca comes lumbering around the corner. Von has a bucket of food and a harness. For the next twenty minutes she tries to catch Boy George but fails. We're joined by Honey, Cinnamon and Jessica, all alpacas.

"That bitch Jessica" says Von " She'll kick and spit and hiss if I get close to her Boy George " After a bit Von turns her back on George who in reaction starts needling her under her arm " F Off George, if you don't want this harness on you can just F off "

I wait for a short pause and say gently "So these rabbits..."

Just then a bellow interrupts me "Shit is that bloody Don?" Von asks. and yes it is bloody Don "Shit Don I said don't bring her up" Don has apparently disobeyed Farmer Von and brought Coco up. Coco is a cow. Her calf is in the paddock next to us.

Next thing I'm helping with the calf and cow and trying to keep Jessica away from Boy George. Then the 11 orpahn lambs come bolting around the corner towards us.

I say to Von "i better head off, I just wondered about the rabbits..."

"Shit I bet it's 1! These bloody lambs must be hungry, Jeez Don, these lambs'll be hungry! " But Don has gone "Come on, you'll have to help" Von says to me.

Next thing I know I'm helping Von measure out 11 bottles of cow colostrum for the hungry orphans. As we do it Von entertain me with stories of the farm, all the animals, the pets, all their names, her daughter Shell who is a vet nurse (handy). We feed the lambs. They're all different and all cute and hilarious.

When we've finished I try again. "You know those rabbits..."

She interuppts me. "Come and look at this" She heads towards her house. Befroe I get there she lets out a shreik "Don!!! Would you look at this. Bloody Don's found another one!" There's a brand new black lamb sitting on her back step. She feeds it the left overs from the other 11 in the yard.

She shows me the bengal cat and the abyssinian one and the very pregnant labrodor called Lex.

I give up asking about the rabbits and just enjoy her company. She's brash and chatty and hilarious and thoughtprovoking and adorable. We walk around the farm and she tells me all the ins and outs of every one of the animals like we're great mates from way back. She's shows me the chicks that were only born this morning and tells me all about how much alpacas go for and how to look after new calfs.

Then after 2 hours she walks me down to a bottom paddock and opens a hutch and inside is a beautiful black flemish giant rabbit with gold tips on her fur. Von says she's five months and that Von has her mother, sister and grandmother. She shows me how to hold her and how to check her teeth and claws. She tells me that she's alovely gentle rabbit who's laid back and will be good with kids

When she's satisfied that I'm happy and comfortable with the rabbit she finds an old cat carry cage and loads the rabbit into my boot.

I don't have time to say I was only making enquiries, just doing my research, looking at options all that seems so terribly cityish. I get home three hours later and when G says " What happened to you?" I'm pretty much stuck for words "I've got a rabbit" I say.

And now Audrey is living in our back yard under the blossoming fruit trees. I let her out to explore the garden today and she had a good run around then hopped back to her house. Seems happy. Von called this evening to make sure all was well. She told me she'd found a great new home for Boy George and now the orphans were up to 15. The lab is having her pups in a couple of weeks. Calfing starts in a week or so. She invited me back for another visit and said to bring the kids. You don't choose the country do you, it chooses you.